Blog by Kristen Hicks
Can we talk really quick about how many times I have written this first line and then erased it? It was a few. I am struggling. I know lately I’ve talked about how I am in this season of wrestling with the Lord… on everything, but the place I am finding myself in at this moment, is more like I’m just holding on. I’m not even trying to win anymore. Because I know I’m gonna lose. And deep down, I know that losing this insane wrestling match is actually a victory.
“I can’t do this anymore.” That is the phrase that keeps echoing in my head. It has so many layers to it, so many meanings, so many depths. “I just can’t, not like this. Not in this way.” Because truth be told, I’m not even sure if I believe this anymore. It seems to have gotten twisted, misinterpreted, become about something that it was never supposed to be about.
It feels like a crossroads, or rather a balancing act, like I’m walking on a type-rope and if I step to the left or the right, I will face sudden death. How did I get here? The more I wrestle, the more I realize how I have no idea who the One I’m wrestling with actually is, nor what He is doing. And that, I am learning, is exactly why I’m in this vulnerable position.
Have you ever been in this place? The place where you are begging the Lord to tear you down and then build you back up the right way. Or like I told Him yesterday, “Can you just cut me down and grow me back up the way I’m supposed to be?” I’m not sure one would even call it correction. Nope, I think the more suitable term is annihilation.
I can see the Light, the dawn that is breaking forth before me, behind me and inside me. And I am determined to hang on. I WILL NOT LET GO of the One that I know without a doubt in my mind, has the blessing on the tip of His tongue. Don’t misunderstand me, the blessing I am seeking is not greed, it is not power, it is not fame or fortune, in fact it has nothing to do with anything that this world can offer me.
It is simply an identity. A name change. Not for anyone else to know but me.
In the secret place, in the most Holy of Holy place, in the intimacy of where my spirit, soul, and body collide together and come into agreement with LOVE Himself. This is what I’m holding on to. This is what I’m seeking. I am staring intently at His face as I put one foot in front of the other, to make it across the threshold of death.
Hope. Hope is in His eyes. NOT fear. He is sure, He is certain that I will make it. The more I stare at Him I can feel His Spirit calling, whispering, singing into me. Trust is building within me. Confidence is surrounding me. Faith and Truth are holding onto me. The more I stare the more I know… I KNOW I AM HIS!
With every step, my theology shifts, my perspective changes, my thoughts become clear, my heart beats louder, stronger because it can feel the Presence of the One in whom it beats for getting closer.
This is no ordinary encounter, this is different. You see, a couple days ago I asked the Lord to show me my convictions. You know, those things deep inside of me that I know, that I know, that I know.
It shocked me. It has nothing to do with doctrine or systems. It has nothing to do with what others around me believe. It isn’t complicated. It has nothing to do with the times we are in, nor what I think church should look like. It has nothing to do with the season even; nor whether or not I identify this place as a storm, a pit, a wilderness, or a cave. No, none of that really matters. It has nothing to do with authority, gifts, talents, or positions I might have. It’s not a puzzle, or something to figure out, or need an answer on. It has nothing to do with how much pain, tragedy, mistakes, sorrow, circumstance I have gone through. None of this matters when it comes to the conviction in my heart.
It is simple. So simple that a child understands it. And the truth is, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! Not when LOVE IS STARING ME RIGHT IN THE FACE!!!!
The conviction is this: HE. LOVES. ME. Period. End of story. There is NO question to this statement. No confusion. No theology. No perspective. No doctrine. No person. NOTHING! Nothing can come against this!!!
I’m DONE making it about ME! Or making it about someone else. I’m done making it hard. I’m done making it complicated. Because HE is WORTHY of so much more than that!!! He is worthy of a Bride that is IN LOVE WITH HIM, just for WHO HE IS!!! Not one that is love with with what He can do! He is worthy of a Bride that sees His eyes. Sees His heart. Sees is intentions. And sees HIS WORTH and can’t help to inhale HIS LOVE and exhale HIS PRAISE!!!!! Not one that lives in FEAR of what He might do. But believes, BELIEVES, whole-hearted that HE IS GOOD!!!! In ALL things!!!!
Can I please just stop making it about me? Can I please start knowing my place as a CHILD of God? And all that that means, all the promise that that holds, all the direction, all the hope, all the LOVE, all the intention and position of what that means.
I feel like Paul a little bit right now when he said:
“The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash- along with everything I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant- dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by Him. I didn’t want some petty inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from TRUSTING Christ- God’s righteousness.”
-Philippians 3:7-9 MSG
Please hear my heart. I am not trying to vent, or hash out my feelings on a platform. I am simply just trying to remember!!! Remember my FIRST LOVE. Remember what it was like to JUST LOVE JESUS. Remember the simplicity of Him and His heart and what He came to do. I want to KNOW Him. More than I know anyone else in my entire life. And I want to love Him with ALL that I am. I want to be a part of His story, not fit Him into mine. This is my heart. This is the conviction I want to cultivate, to live out, to die for, and to live for. THIS IS THE SONG I WANT TO FEAST ON!