Your Gaze Defines Me

 

Blog by Kristen Hicks

There is a tension within me this week. It’s been rising for the last month. Pulling, pushing, twisting… and it hurts, oh man, it hurts. But my perspective is shifting, my eyes are opening, it’s stirring deep, deep inside. There is no stopping it and no making it happen quicker. Although I wish it would. But it’s a process. It’s creating something and with art… it takes time. Our timeline is made up of years, months, days, minutes, seconds. But that isn’t the realm in which the Father lives. He works from the inside out. Starting with the night at the beginning instead of the day (see Creation story). He lives in the realm of seasons, events, moments. His goal is to mark us. Not with scars that never heal, not with pain that we manage or cope with- He marks us with Himself. Focusing on righteousness, not sin, not our mess ups, not our lack of being good enough. 

The more I get to know God the more I realize I have no idea who He is. I haven’t even scratched the surface. I’ve heard people say that before, but the weight of it has never actually hit me quite like it is doing that this moment. His thoughts are not my thoughts, His ways are not my ways. They are higher, greater.

The last several weeks have kicked my tail. Between the stress of events, attacks from the enemy, temptations, sleepless nights, anxiety and then being sick, I have just about had it. Just when I thought it was coming to an end, I got hit with a grand finale. I had this worship night planned for months to help my sister raise money for her World Race mission trip she is going on in the fall. I woke up the day of and after being sick all week, I barely had a voice at all. 

I had been to the doctor the Friday before, I had taken meds, drank the teas and juices, did all the things I was “supposed” to do and it felt like I was getting better and then… this. I was sure it was the enemy. I began to pray against any attacks that may have been spoken against me, any plan of the enemy and I was expecting a miracle. I had all my people praying— friends, family, everyone I could think of. I text my Dad and asked if He and the other elders of the church would anoint my head with oil and pray over me. I told the Lord that I was going to take Him at His Word. Confident in the Name of Jesus. I did everything I knew to do, everything that had worked in the past. But nothing. 

My friend, Mandie, text me after praying for me and she told me that as she was praying she saw the hands of Jesus wrapped around my throat. His sweet healing hands. So I kept being expectant. Expectant that I was literally gonna go up on the stage and He was going to heal me right at that moment. Completely. My voice would be back. But regardless if He did, I was gonna sing. I was gonna worship. Because He is worthy of it whether it sounds good or not. Plus, I couldn’t explain the peace I felt. So I sang…

But healing didn’t come. Sounds did, but not healing.

I remember on my way there that night, it was just me in my car and I said out loud, “Well, Lord, I have no voice. I can’t really sing.” And without missing a beat, I so clearly heard Him say back to me with the biggest smile, “I know, but I’m so proud of you.”

It wasn’t until about the 3rd song in that I began to realize something. This was the Father’s way of choosing me in this moment. This was His way of giving me an opportunity to see Him in a different way— He was giving me an opportunity to realign myself, to praise Him from a different place inside me. Being marked by the Father’s smile. 

(I was thankful for what the Lord did that night. He has his own agenda anyway. My sister was able to raise around $2400. Like WHAT?!?! Jesus is so sweet!)

Monday morning, I woke up with no voice. I couldn’t speak above a whisper. I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t even really shocked when I woke up Tuesday to the same thing. I wasn’t worried. I knew I had pushed it. I knew it just needed to rest. But when Wednesday rolled around and still it was the same, not even a little bit better, I started to get a little nervous. I still had the strangest peace about it though. So I took my questions to the Lord.

The conclusion, I came to after talking it out with Him was vast. It wasn’t the enemy. Like I said, I took the Father at His Word and the enemy can’t stand against that. I didn’t lack faith in Him. I’ve seen Him do much harder, much greater things. So what? Was this a punishment? Of course not.

The weeks leading up to this, I’ve been working on a song. I had woken up one morning and being overwhelmed by so many things, I simply said to the Lord, “Can I just hide today?” And He said, “Come and hide in Me.” I began to hear this little melody stirring inside me.

Verse 1

The dawn is breaking. The light is shifting.

I am surrounded by Your love.

My eyes are opening. My heart is waking.

But still, it feels like I’m not enough.

Pre-Chorus

So I will hide beneath the shadow of Your wings

As You redefine my fear and insecurity.

Chorus

Your gaze defines me

Ever reconciling

Never second guessing 

Who I’m meant to be

And as sure as mercy

Though the night tried to break me

The Light in Your eyes will fill up my life and I’ll forever be seen

Verse 2

It’s overwhelming, to think that You love me

Without condone or restraint

But sometimes my faith is struggling. And sometimes I even start filtering

Your gaze through my regret.

Bridge

All of my worth. All of my value.

Is found in the eyes of the One who sees me through. 

I’m gonna continue to write about this because I’ve only begun. It’s kinda like in the process of losing my voice, I actually found it. Something worth saying. Something worth claiming for myself. And it isn’t my words or viewpoint, it’s His. It’s that His matter more than anyone else’s.