Let the Walls Fall

Blog by Kristen Hicks

Warning: This is probably one of my most honest blogs.

Ministry is hard. Exhausting. Draining. I feel like I pour everything out I could possibly pour out, only then find myself in a situation that I have to pour out more. More that I don’t have. Is it worth it? I’m not quite sure at this moment. Not because I’m struggling to believe a person is worth it. Of course, they are. It’s more like I’m thinking there has got to be a better way. Is this right? Is the point of all of this to forfeit my own soul for the sake of someone else’s? Isn’t Jesus is the only One who was able to do that. And I’m not talking about laying down my life nor am I talking about death to self. That refers to desires, mindsets, to sin. I’m talking about my soul. Because the interesting thing is, it seems lately, the more I pour myself out— the more I try to be all that everyone needs me to be— the more I try and lead people into change… the more I turn to my flesh— the more I cope. 

This isn’t sustainable. This isn’t the abundant life I was promised. It can’t be. I don’t care how much you try and convince me, I don’t buy it. This just feels like it’s slowly killing me. Slowing pushing me over the edge to shrink back into those coping mechanisms, those lies, the sin I was once entrapped in. I don’t want this, but it seems like I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know how else to do ministry.

My heart is breaking, constantly with an urgency for people’s hearts. No matter what situation or circumstance they are in, I want them to know what they are worth—know that they are loved— know that they have a purpose. But how in the heck can I convince them when I am struggling to convince myself. I’m so tired of convincing myself that I’m worth more. I’m tired of giving myself the same pep talk over and over and over. I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I don’t know if I have enough hope for this. I don’t know if I have enough faith for this. I simply just don’t know if I am enough in this. Period. And trust me, I know how to tell myself the truth. I know all the right answers. I can point out all the lies and then point myself to all the right scriptures. But I’m just weary of trying to claim it for myself. I must be missing something. There must be more to it. 

Please, please, please, don’t mishear me, it isn’t that I don’t believe it. I’ve seen too much to deny it. But I’m just certain that this life I’ve been living lately, this hustle, the constant flow of busyness I’ve somehow ended up in, is actually a demonic overcompensated sinkhole disguised and wrapped in a word someone, somewhere said was “ministry.” But I don’t think this is what God intended for ministry to look like. Just look at the fruit. It’s like those big bowls of fruit that people put on their table as decorations. It looks real, some of them are even made to smell real. And let’s be honest, how many of you in your lifetime actually picked up one of those apples and tried to bite into it? It’s fake, tasteless and has zero nutritional value. In fact, it would probably really hurt you if you ate it. It’s nothing but an empty mirage to make something look better than it actually is. 

I don’t think the fruit of ministry is for a person to constantly need me. If it is, then I really need to ask myself, “Am I leading this person to myself or to Jesus?” I think it’s interesting how it says that we should carry one another’s burdens but then also Jesus says to come to Him with all of our burdens and lay them down and He will give us rest. I have this picture in my mind of what I imagine it’s supposed to look like. Me coming along side of someone one helping them pick up the bag of trash they are carrying around and then with them, taking those bags to the feet of Jesus to lay down. I think far too often I get it wrong. I tend to just carry those bags around with me. So now here we are just wandering around not getting anywhere, only killing ourselves. 

Also, I find myself building walls. I remember back in 2008, it was my last week as a youth intern and we were at CIY. I had just had the most incredible summer of my life. It was the summer that I first really met the Holy Spirit. I saw Him moving, I heard Him speaking, and it was changing me. This one particular day, we were sitting in our quiet time and we were supposed to draw out what we thought our heart looked like. As I sat there and asked the Holy Spirit what my heart looked like I was shocked as He began to show me the massive wall that I had built covering most of it completely. It scared me. And now as I sit here and look back at it, the thing that is hitting me is that it was there in the midst of the most impacting summer of my life, that this is what my heart looked like. I really have to ask the question, why? Why am I still building these walls? Is it a way of protecting myself? And if so, who from? Who am I trying to keep out? Or even, what am I trying to keep in? What do I really have to lose? 

I think I am losing pieces of myself. Pieces that I was never meant to lose. The pieces that God placed in me and ordained for me to have since the foundation of the earth. Those things that are made in the image of Him. And I realize that the more I start to lose those pieces, the more I build walls. Walls to protect the few pieces I have left. But these walls are actually hindering me from doing and being all that God designed for me to be. Because those pieces were never meant to be hidden and protected. They were meant to breathe, to have life, love, and holiness attached to them. They were meant to be shared. Not stolen. But even when they are stolen, I know Abba can easily restore. I only have to tear down the walls, let Him in so He can do so. 

I guess this is my conclusion. I’m sorry if it seems like I was all up in my head during this blog. The truth is, I needed this one for myself. I needed to just write some things out. Be honest, be vulnerable. I don’t want to stay here long. I don’t want to wallow. I want to be whole. I want to know the truth so that I can truly be set free. I want to live the life and be the person that Abba intended for me to be and I want to lead others to do the same. So I am asking my questions, I am calling it out as I see it, and I am speaking to these walls, and getting up the courage to let them all fall down.