Let the Dawn Break

Blog by Kristen Hicks

Today, I moved out of the barn. Selah. I keep finding myself pausing. Ha! I just looked up what the definition of “Selah” is, you know, just to make sure I was using it correctly and it says this: “Selah is likely to mean ‘to praise’ or ‘pause and reflect upon what has just been said.’” In other words, yes, I think I’m using it correctly in either definition.

I’ve had a couple people ask me, “are you relieved to be moving out of the barn?” And shockingly, my answer isn’t a quick yes. Mostly, because relieved isn’t the best word I don’t think. I feel like I’m just… speechless and in awe a little bit. Relieved that I will have running water, a toilet, a shower and a kitchen all in the same building that I am also sleeping? Ok, yes, of course, I’m relieved for that. But relieved about the season ending? That’s a little heavier. One, because it was just 40 days ago, that I was asking the Lord, “What are you gonna do in 40 days?” Like an impatient, amateur of a Christ follower. Uh, duh Kristen, He can do a WHOLE FREAKING LOT in 40 days. He can do a lot in just 1 day! And here we are… done. It’s crazy to think that it might have happened sooner if only I were to have embraced, yielded, submitted, obeyed and just listened. I don’t live long in the world of that mindset though. He knew all along what it would take with me. 

This day has held so many emotions. Some of which I’ve processed, some of which I still am. One emotion that I think hasn’t fully hit me yet, is that I need to grieve this season. Why you might ask? Because the Lord told me that this season would be the last season I would live by myself, just He and I. Although, there is a beauty to living in community and family, there is also a sweetness to living alone with just Jesus. I’ve confessed this constant fear to Him that I didn’t steward it well— like did I spend enough time with Him at the barn? Did I sit still long enough to allow Him to speak? Did I miss something really big that He wanted to show me? Those types of things. All of this, however, He has assured me is just fear. And that there are actually greater times with Him, yet to come. But still savor this season all the same.

Most of my emotions have been in just pure, unwavering thankfulness. Not just that I made it though, but in looking back on what He did during this season. It’s crazy to me to think about how He does things without me even noticing at times. I can be so focused on the pain, or how uncomfortable I am, how much I’m ready for the next season. I am first of all, thankful, that God calls Himself Father, because I am never ready for the next season when I think I am, and only a good Dad would know that. 

He healed my heart in this season, guys. Again. Selah. Literally, sitting here in “the nook” of the Mustard Seed Cafe, and as I am writing and thinking about this tears are falling down my face. What do I even say now? He not only healed it, He restored it! It wasn’t just to take away the pain, either. That’s not how He heals. When He heals He breathes His very breath back into someone and completely restores the promises and possibilities He placed within them from the beginning. I will forever believe this is real now. He gave me my dreams back and even then some. He gave me my breath back, my heart back, my family back, my purpose back, my identity back! These are the things in which the enemy took from me. He always steals, kills and destroys. That is always the game he is playing, and I am learning that if I’m not aware of that in every single area of my life and if I’m not right in step with Abba and if I’m not dressing myself ready, then there is a good chance he is winning at his game. 

But again, I am reminded that Abba never wastes time and as long as I still have life in this earthly body, I am never too far from His reach. Therefore, even though I found myself in a season where my dreams stollen, my heart was destroyed, and my identity was killed, the Lord decided to move me into the barn. That was His retaliation.

In the first month that I was there, I was watercolor painting one night.  I do this sometimes with Jesus. My friend Kourtney taught me this. “Ask the Lord paintings” is what we call them. I paint what I see Jesus showing me and then sometimes He says things with what He shows me. Usually, with worship music playing in the background, of course. This one night, He showed me a sunrise, shining over the hills with trees of all kinds of colors. After I got done painting, I heard Him say: “Let the dawn break.” 

I had absolutely no idea what that meant. About a month later, I went with Kourtney to a Bethel worship night in Atlanta, and Amanda Cook introduced a song called, Extravagant. It wrecked me. And then I noticed there was this one little line in the song that says, “You are the dawn that is breaking within me.” Letting the dawn break was literally just allowing Him permission to be Himself. Giving Him the space to speak to me and do what He wanted to do. Letting the dawn break means coming out of the night, out of the darkness and allowing the Light to burst into every crease and crevice in my heart, in my mind, in my soul… in everything. 

That Light reminded me of things I had forgotten. It renewed strength within me. It was a wilderness, therefore, I had to wrestle with the Lord. I had to be tested, I had to overcome. But mostly, I just had to lean into Him. Because I can’t do anything without Him and I came out of the season not really wanting to do anything without Him. I’m coming out of this season with my eyes wide open, seeing myself for who I really am both with and without Jesus, I’m coming out of it with my heart beating hard in pursuit of Him. I want to know Him intimately—the way He always intended for it to be, since the beginning of time. Yes, I have dreams, yes, I have desires in my heart, but those can’t compare to what I have known of His Presence and His Love. He is who I am after. His heart is what I’m in pursuit of. This is what the Lord birthed in me in the barn. The simplicity that this is what matters. Everything falls underneath it. 

I’m excited about this next season. I know it will be fruitful just like this one. He told me earlier in this season that I would look back and this would be one of my favorite seasons. I laughed and didn’t believe Him. But I literally moved out today and I can say with complete humility and certainty that I was wrong, because it was. I think I will carry these things in my heart for the rest of my life. And I hope and I know that the Dawn will forever and always be breaking within me. Selah.