Rejection (Part 2) – Open Your Hands

Blog by Kristen Hicks

I have wrestled, no, more like grieved over my heart the past month. It has been no easy task examining the deepest parts of my heart and soul, as the Holy Spirit has brought forth things I had no idea were in me. He has been opening my eyes to fears and reasons behind those fears. (If you haven’t read “Rejection (Part 1) Click here.)

It amazes me how we hold onto things from our past without even realizing it. A small event that happened to us, can shape and shift our thinking and actions as we move ahead in life. Suddenly, we become people we never intended to be. I am speaking of this in both a positive and negative sense.

I am sitting here, for what feels like the thousandth time, starring at this painting I did in the Philippines. There are four scenes representing four tragedies, four struggles, four areas within me that I have received rejection instead of love. I have given them names: 1. The Heart, 2. The Wall, 3. The Road, and 4. The Gift.

The Heart

This is where it all began. If I am being honest, this is the one I have avoided the most— as I do most often with matters of my heart. Why? Mostly, because I don’t understand it. Mostly, because I know this is where my feelings and emotions come from. Mostly, because I know those feelings and emotions can lie to me. Even now as I sit here to write this out, I am plotting my escape so I don’t have to go there.

Where is there? My “there” is marriage. Marriage isn’t everything, I know this, but for me, it is the one thing I have desired and prayed for more than anything else. It has been the area that I have most anticipated, most struggled in and experienced the most pain in. I know that I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable enough in this area about my desire for it and my struggle of still not getting to experience it, however, I’ve never let myself be vulnerable enough to address my fear of it.

I’m not naive enough to think that getting married fixes all my problems, nor that there won’t be any problems. No, I know there is no amount of preparation during the season of singleness that could prevent tension and honestly I don’t want it to. Music cannot be made without tension. So I welcome it and look forward to learning in it all.

My fears reside in just simply who I am. I don’t want to ever have to be anyone other than myself. But then the fear kicks in due to past rejections I’ve experienced. Therefore, I bombard my heart with questions: Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I not worth being pursued? Do I make it too hard? Do I expect too much? Am I boring? Or too over the top? Intimidating? Or too shy? Honestly, I just have a fear that some guy will actually choose me one day, marry me and then regret it—change his mind, realize that I’m not actually the super confident, independent woman that he thought, or just not the woman he wanted. I’m afraid he will wake up one morning and decide he doesn’t like me anymore— I’m too weird, too annoying, too “fill in the blank.”

Yes, these are the fears that have haunted me for years. Molded by scenes of “that one time” or “when so-in-so said this.” Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Bracing myself for the blow. The subtle back of my mind whisper, “No way he could actually like me once he gets to know me.” Expecting the rejection.

The Wall

Therefore, I must self-protect. I must become an architect. Building walls so high that no one can enter. I hide. I hunker down. No one can see the blood stains on the inside. Those times, I’ve hurt myself by falling too fast, or the times I’ve been hurt because I put my trust in others, allowing my worth to be determined by another. Don’t feel. Don’t let anyone fully know. Watch my face. No expression.  No one can hurt me as long as I keep the wall strong. As long as I keep a safe distance. Hiding my emotions, hiding my pain, pretending like there is nothing going on. Nothing comes in and nothing goes out.

I can see the beauty of what I desire on the other side but only barely. But barely is better than not at all. Therefore, I’ll settle for that. For now, hoping that one day someone, somewhere, will be brave enough, strong enough to knock the wall down. But until then…

The Road

I lead from this place. Embracing my fate. Being fine with not knowing where I’m going or what I’m doing. “Blind faith” is what I say it is. But is it? Faith requires trust and in order to trust, I must allow the walls to fall. So I’m just stumbling along in the dark. But I’m not alone. No, I’ve invited people to follow. Leading them, encouraging them to come with me, as if I know where we are headed. Seeing them build walls of their own, hearing the pain in their voices of their own past heart traumas. Leading them from fear, hoping they won’t notice, hoping that with every step the fear will subside— but it never does. It only grows stronger, darker— fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of falling flat on my face and bringing everyone down with me.

The Gift

Finally, in front of me, I’m presented with a gift. Out of nowhere. With no effort of my own. Therefore, how can I accept it? Look at this heart of mine, look at these walls I built, see the road I’ve traveled and even brought others down with. I cannot accept a gift. No, my tears become the rain in which I expect to ruin the gift. I never even opened it to see what was inside.

Rejection is my fate, my portion. Because of “him”, because of “her”, because of “that one time when”. Rejection is my tool. To build, to protect, to block out. It’s my black light. Although it is foggy, it filters and I see glimpses of the road I’m on. Therefore, I say no to whatever gift this may be because I surely don’t deserve it. Therefore, now I reject myself.

The Answer

I know that this may have seemed a bit over dramatic. It’s fine. I just decided to write whatever, and however, it came to me. In this process, I have found myself feeling very helpless about what to do with all of it. My prayers have been along the lines of “Uh thanks for showing me this, Lord, but what do I do with it all now? How do I process this? How do heal?”

Every single time I have asked these questions I have immediately gotten a picture in my mind. Open Hands. The more the Lord has brought things to my attention that He wants to heal, He simply tells me to just open my hands and let it go.

My conclusion is this: If we want to be a people that live in the light; if we want to be a people that truly live in the freedom that Jesus died to give us, we must stop clinching our fists so tightly to the chains that once enslaved us. We must open our hands and let go of the lies, let go of sin and struggles, let go of the hurt that someone caused us or that we caused to ourselves. We must let go of fear. We must let go of bitterness and rejection and pain and just let Him have it all. Surrender. Let Go. Open Your Hands.