Fear Doesn’t Lead To Freedom

Blog by Kristen Hicks

There has been a common theme that has been weaving its way in and out of my last couple weeks. Do you have words in your life that the thought of them makes you want to panic, rebel, or throw up a little in your mouth when you say them or hear them? (Sorry, I know that’s gross.) I have to concentrate on breathing when I think about these words. They are: success, routines, habits, systems, really anything that has to do with business, or money, you get the idea. Seriously, even in this moment I am trying not to freak out while typing them. Good grief Kristen, pull yourself together!!

A couple weeks ago, I was talking about these very things with my friend, Kayla. We agreed that routines, setting goals, and accomplishing them were a little bit of a struggle for both of us. For example, eating healthy, working out, you know, the typical stuff. I might be able to muster up some will power for about a week or so but as soon as I am faced with opposition, I quit. However, the opposition might look a little bit different than you might think.

I’m really more of the dreamer type. You know this, I already talked about my “Big Dream Notebook” (BLESS). I like to dream up things that are far beyond my capability. The more impossible, the more irrational, the more crazy, off-the-wall, get your hands dirty… the better!

As Kayla and I continued to talk about routines, or lack there of, I started to really examine and ask myself why I always feel the need to rebel against these things. It’s almost like when it comes to any of these words, the inner me, all of sudden, takes over in an attempt to self-sabotage. Do you see the opposition now? It’s me! My inner person! I rebel, not because I hate healthy food, I actually like most of it. I don’t rebel because I’m lazy, I actually love activity, playing sports, hiking, kayaking, pretty much anything outdoors or anything that has a sense of playing. I rebel because it involves a routine.

What I realized was that when I was growing up, I would see people have these habits, these set ways, and things always had to be done in that certain way. Like in the morning and at night, they had these routines that they did the same way, every single day. Now hear me out. I’m not saying that personal hygiene isn’t good. HA! And I’m not saying that these people that I saw having these certain routines were wrong by having them. Please don’t think that is what I am saying. Let me keep going.

Ok so I would see these things, and for me I dreamed of traveling all over the world, doing who knows what, and I never wanted to find myself so stuck in a routine that it would be hard for me to do what I wanted to do or to adjust to what to I needed to do for whatever situation I found myself in. For example, I wanted to get used to sleeping in my contacts. Because if I was camping somewhere in a slum and the only thing that I had to wash my hands was hand sanitizer, which would hurt like mess, then I wanted to be comfortable enough to “go with the flow” and sleep in my contacts. Makes sense? (Caution: You are entering into the dangerous territory of Kristen’s mind, be on guard.)

This has always been my mentality. Pretty sure it’s a soul wound to some extent. Because the root of it is fear. Fear of not being who I was made to be? Fear of being in fear? Fear of being stuck? Ooo that’s a hard one for me. I’ve always had that fear. Doing the same thing ever single day for the rest of my life. Back to the circles. I guess that’s what I equate routines with… circles, being stuck.

Ding, Ding, Ding! I think we have a winner. And in case you were wondering, yes, I am figuring this out as I’m writing at this moment.

Fear. Ugh I hate fear. I know that may seem like a duh kinda thing thing but I truly think some people like having it around. To some extent, they feel it gives them a sense of safety and security, some even mistake it for wisdom. That sounds so completely backwards to me. Because fear is NOT our friend. Fear does NOT keep us safe. God does!!! Fear is a lie. An eloquent, get all gussied up for a night on the town kinda lie. Meaning, it looks real good. (Not that getting all dressed up and going out is bad.) The enemy loves, I mean, LOVES for people to be in fear. Because fear keeps people from being and becoming who they were created to be. FREE.

I am learning in this moment, that I have mistaken fear for freedom when it comes to this particular subject. I have let the fear of being stuck and being pulled into particular circles keep me from just trusting the Lord and letting Him guard and guide my steps. I mistakenly, and subconsciously let fear try and drive me to freedom. Instead of allowing trust and surrender to Jesus be the driver to freedom.

I realize that this is kinda a roundabout way to get to this conclusion. It’s crazy how my brain works sometimes. But the funny thing is, the conclusion is actually the same as all the other conclusions the Lord has been bringing me to lately.

Trusting Jesus. Surrendering to Him. Needing Him. Letting Him love me. Just falling in love with Him for Him.

So I’m gonna trust Him, and let Him shift my mindset. I’m gonna lay down this fear of being stuck, and know that He knows me and loves me and the truth is, He doesn’t want me to be stuck in circles either. And know that even if He asks me to do something constantly for a season, there is a reason, there is something He wants me to learn, something He wants to open my eyes to. And I can’t do that if my inner man is constantly rebelling. Heck, He might even want to put me into a routine for a season, just to overcome this crazy fear. I know that His heart and His goal to set me completely FREE from ALL fear!!! And I’m pretty sure that anyone would chalk that up to be a complete and total success!