The Sunday School Answer

Blog by Kristen Hicks

I am struggling. And when I say struggling, I mean STRU-GAA-LING. You know those days, where it feels like if someone came up and hugged you, you might just lose it and fall completely apart in tears. It may just be a girl thing. And when I say “someone” I don’t just mean anyone. Some people just have magical hugs. And some people…well, let’s just say, theirs aren’t so magical, more like a little awkward. 

Am I stalling? Probably, yes, a little bit. Why? Because I don’t like myself today. Confession? I snapped a little bit this morning at the guy in the drive-thru at Starbucks because I felt like I was ordering something simple, something I get often and it seemed to confuse him, which then confused me. One could totally blame it on the simple fact that at that point in the day I had not had coffee yet and that plays a big role in a person’s mood… but still, pulling away I felt so annoyed with myself, that it had frustrated me so much. “Who am I right now?” I thought. “Why did I act that way?” Literally, as I was thinking this, the car in front of me slows way down and starts riding in the middle of two lanes. Suddenly, I find myself in yet another moment of irritation as road rage rises up within me. Again, this isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. 

I feel like maybe things have been a little bit crazy lately. Who am I kidding? Things have been crazy lately. And I’ve been very distracted! I am about to move! What?!?! Yes, in case you haven’t heard, I am officially moving out of the barn and I am moving into City Station. From a barn to a community center… what is this life the Lord has me in? Since I have made this commitment, I have had so many people come up to me and tell me how much they admire the way that I live— how I always just seem to go wherever the Lord takes me. That “yes” is always my word. 

I’m not really sure what to think about this. Mostly, because I know that yes, is NOT always my word. I think my word is actually more like…”REALLY?!?” Followed by an ongoing list of questions and demands of “If you really want me to do this, I’m gonna need you to do this.” This time, I found myself with not even much of a fight in me to question Him, however, but rather more of an exhaustion.

Sometimes, I just get tired. And even though, the Lord has answered every single one of my questions and concerns and even though I am actually so excited about this move now, I still find myself a little weary. Weary of waiting, weary of hustling, running around, weary of never feeling like I can just be settled, weary of all the exception that I put on myself and that others put on me. I feel like my heart is growing through. Oh man, like a lot!  It’s expanding. I desire so much to just be there for people. To be a person that is with them, someone that will pray, literally pray, right then and there with them, and not just tell them I’m praying for them. I desire to encourage them in who they are in Jesus and speak the truth over them of what He really thinks of them and how He really sees them. 

My heart just breaks though, all the freaking time these days, it just breaks. Because hearing these stories, looking into the eyes of the most precious people, we have no idea who we are as a people. Let me rephrase that, we have no idea Whose we are as a people. And again, I, Kristen Hicks, struggle with Whose and who I am! Why?

I am learning, very quickly and not-so-gracefully that in ministry it is very easy to get sucked into the “fix it” mindset. My heart is genuine, I want to help, because I see these people and I don’t just see them, I see beyond them. I see who they will be and I see who they will minister to and it just fires me up in the most awesome way. But…

I heard someone say recently, “There is only One Savior in this story and His name is Jesus.” Sometimes the Sunday school answer is actually a truth bomb that needs to blow up big time in my face. I can NOT do this without Him. I don’t want to. I know He has been speaking to me lately, and I know He has been leading me lately, and I know that there has even been good fruit in conversations and meetings I’ve had lately, but all of that… ALL OF THAT is garbage to me without His Presence.

There is a difference. I know that there is. I can feel it. And the main reason I can tell is because I haven’t allowed myself the time to get in it. Yes, He will still lead. Yes, He will still speak. Yes, He will still use me, but none of that can compare to just having Him because it’s Him. None of that can take the place of Him. I have mistaken those things so many times as Him. Yet always, feeling like there’s more, looking for it in gifts, and healing and teachings. But the more is just simply Him. He is it! All of it and then even more again. He never runs out. There is no end to Him. And I just want Him. This is where I always come back to and I hope I always will. Jesus. Even if He is the Sunday school answer.