Stop Squirming

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Blog by Kristen Hicks

I’ve had to make a pretty big decision lately. One that required quite a bit of wrestling. And I knew that in making this decision there would, without doubt, be repercussions.

Fear has been one of those repercussions. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what people will think. Fear that I made the wrong decision, even though I know I made the right one.

I’m not exactly sure where to go from here. I see myself in this open space. It’s like a field that I want to run in, do cart-wheels, roll around in the dirt, just be reconnected. However, my mind has went into overload about how to do this. Trying to figure it out. But then, I think what He is showing me tonight is that that is precisely the thing He doesn’t want me to do. Figure it out.

I don’t know what to do about this. It freaks me out. Because I know I have some walls. Or I at least know I have one big one, though I’m not exactly sure what it is. I just know it’s there. Even now, I’ve been making plans, composing mental lists about how in the world I can get this wall to come down. “I need to read this book, and this book and this book, all at the same time. I need to go on a really long prayer walk. I need to write, to write out all my feelings, to write out everything. I need to dig into the Word for like an hour. I need to just sing. Maybe even write a song about all this.” The list could go on. However, what the Lord is showing me is that all of those plans and lists are all based on things I do.

But in this moment, I keep hearing one thing. “Just sit down. Just stop. Just be still. Just receive. Stop squirming.”

Sometimes, I am so completely broken and humbled by how much I don’t know the Lord. How much I don’t understand His ways. How much I don’t get it. Not Him, not His love, not His intentions. But then I am also humbled, by how much I need Him, how much I want Him.

I feel so helpless already in this season I’ve just stepped into. But I feel like that is a really, really good thing. Because it brings me back to surrender. Back to the things I did at first. Back to just simply needing Jesus.

Once again, the Father reminds me of a child. I see myself as this little kid, that is terrified. That is broken, and hurt, and confused, and has no idea what the heck is going on. And I am squirming big time. I have no idea how to receive anything. Love, affection, gifts, none of it. I am constantly trying to figure out everything, trying to understand, trying to piece it all together. Every time the Lord starts to pour Himself out, I feel uncomfortable, like Peter when Jesus was trying to wash His feet. “This is not how this should look.” I tell Him as I twist and turn in His lap. And in the most gentle, yet reassuring kind of way, I feel Him pull me closer. Closer to His heart. Closer to His breath. So I can hear His heart, so I can feel Him. And He just holds me so tightly, until I just stop. I stop squirming.

This…. This is what I have always longed for. This is what I’ve needed. This is what I was made for. This is where He breaks the walls down. This has nothing to do with what I can do. It has to do with what He can do. I can’t make myself understand or get it. I simply just have to wait on Him. He isn’t going to give me all the answers. Not because He enjoys withholding from me. But because He is a good Father. One that sees my heart and knows what I can and cannot handle. And sometimes you just have to sit there any let the Creator of the universe, wash your, dirty, stinky, smelling feet. You have to sit there and know that it’s ok to not understand, to not get it. You have to sit there and just receive from Him. Let Him hold you. Let Him whisper in your ear, the Truth of who He is, and who you are, and what you mean to Him. Let Him just be close. Embrace the warmth, the security, the sound of His heart. 

I have found myself listening to this song (above) on repeat. It’s just simple. But I feel like it’s the song of my heart right now. The song of this season.

Soo…

Just sit down. Just stop. Just be still. Just receive. And.. stop squirming.