Blog by Kristen Hicks
What do I want? Is this a question I am allowed to ask? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m torn. You see, there are a few instances I can find in Scripture when Jesus asked this question, but to what degree was He asking?
Voices. I feel like there are 1 million voices telling me something different; this person believes this, that person believes that still another believes something totally different. All believe their way is right. All believe they know the truth.
I got the opportunity to hear Bob Goff speak a couple weeks ago and he was asking this question. He followed up with several other questions like, “Why do you do what you do? Are you willing to do what it takes to get what you want? What do you already have to get what you want?”
Then there is this book I’m reading, “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist. She writes, “Essentially, what I’m talking about, what I’m circling ever nearer to is agency. Or maybe authority; owning one’s life, for better and for worse, saying out loud, ‘This is who I am, this is who I’m not, this is what I want. This is what I’m leaving behind.’… You get to tell the truth about what you love and who you are and what you dream about…. What I’m learning is that you have to stop doing a whole lot of things to learn what it is you really love, who it is you really are…. You get to make your life. In fact, you have to. And not only can you make it, you can remake it.”
Still another voice running through my head is in the scriptures: “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don’t begin until you count the cost… so you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.” (Luke 14:26-28a; 33)
The easy answer sounds like it would be the passage of scripture is the right voice. But the thing about it is, whose voice am I hearing speak it? It seems filtered, misinterpreted. The voice I am hearing speak this passage is condescending, harsh, and without grace. There is a tone, in it that isn’t gentle. It’s the tone that speaks, “You are never enough. You will never measure up. If you don’t get it together, I am done with you.” Can that be Jesus?
There seems to be a word that constantly has a lie attached to it… should. “You should spend more time in the Word. You should pray more. You should be witnessing. Should, should, should, should.” You get the idea. You’ve heard it spoken. This word produces shame. Every. Single. Time. Shame is of the enemy, not God. Its agenda is to literally make you run—run from God, run from people. Hide. Quit.
The voice of God NEVER produces shame.
This is something to know— to be confident in— to believe Him.
The truth is, I don’t know the truth. I know it doesn’t make sense that I don’t know. I know that some of you think I think too much— that I can’t let stuff go. But you must know this; what I don’t want is just to survive this one, very precious life I’ve been given. No, that isn’t on my bucket list. I am well aware that the enemy is trying to steal, kill and destroy me. In fact, I am so well aware, that I am convinced that one of his greatest weapons is to convince me that I can manage my behavior— that I can push down thoughts, stifle my emotions, and pretend that I’m good. But what kind of life is that? Is that the life of abundance that Jesus promised?
What I really want, is I want to LIVE, REALLY LIVE!! Live in fullness! Live in wholeness! Live healed! Live knowing without any doubt of who He is and being confident of who I am in Him! Live without fear! Live in freedom! I want to find the pieces that I’ve lost- those that the enemy stole from me! I want to actually believe Jesus! I want to know Him! His heart! His Ways! His thoughts! His Word! THIS IS WHAT I WANT!!!! I feel like I’m screaming it at the top of my lungs and no sound is coming out. No one can hear me!!!!
This isn’t something you just attain, this isn’t something you can just do just because someone tells you to. There is process. Yes, it sounds like a simple answer, but just because something is simple doesn’t make it easy. And the truth is, I’m not there yet. But I’m trying. I’m asking my questions, I am seeking out the heart of God. I’m trying to be real and vulnerable about where I’m at, even if I get misunderstood, shut down, or turned away. I honestly, just feel like most of the time, I’m just begging for someone to listen. Not fix. Not pity. Not bombard me with their opinions or bark the word “should” in my face. I get that I talk a lot, I know sometimes my thoughts are too heavy and burdensome. But it’s how I get somewhere, how I understand, how I overcome.
Please stop putting me in places that I’ve never, ever been. Stop making me feel like I “should” have it all together when I’m literally hanging on by a thread. The truth is, I’m begging for someone, somewhere out there to teach me, to walk WITH me, and not have me completely labeled in expectation.
What do I want? I just want Him… I just really, really want Him… That’s it. That is why I am the way that I am. This is the truth of who I am. This is why I do what I do. This is why I get way too excited about Jesus conversations that apparently make others feel inadequate or threatened. That is actually the exact opposite of what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to learn. To process with you. Because I know that when I process with people we get there quicker. I want Him. In, through, before, behind, just all the way around, just Him— in everything that comes out of me and my life, just Him— in my friendships, in my marriage one day, in my jobs, how I spend my time, all of it, just Him. He is what I want.