Blog by Kristen Hicks
Yep, that is the way I’m beginning this blog entry… you’re welcome. Because for lack of better words, that is how I feel about this particular subject at the moment.
I feel like this word “trust” has been the only answer I’ve received lately from the Lord when I have asked some of my million questions. However, it is also becoming one of my million questions. “How the heck do I trust You with this?”
So again I say, “UGH…”
One day, not too long ago I was getting in the shower, not really thinking about anything in particular, when all of a sudden I heard the Holy Spirt say… “Trust is NOT a suggestion.”
“Ok… thank you…. Lord, I appreciate that random word, even though I wasn’t really asking or looking for anything at this moment of getting in the shower”, I respond, a little caught off guard.
He continued, “Every single time I tell you to trust Me, and every single time it is spoken in scripture, I am not suggesting that you trust Me, I’m commanding it.”
“Oh…” at this point, still shocked that the Holy Spirit would choose this moment out of any moment to share this insightful revelation with me, I began to be baffled at the fact that when someone tells me to “trust God,” or even if I tell someone to “trust God”, subconsciously it’s really being spoken as more of a suggestion.
Several weeks later, I was at camp and we were talking about the story of Daniel and the lions’ den and something dawned on me that I’ve never really thought about. When Daniel was thrown into the lions’ den, he prayed out of trust NOT fear. He had built such a deep relationship with the Lord that I imagine that even if his heart was heavy with the thought of being attacked and eaten by the lions, he prayed to God because he KNEW God and he TRUSTED Him. Not because he was afraid of the lions.
The amazing thing was that the rest of the week of camp, in every single story, I began to see this pattern, and it all came down to the same thing…Trust. Do I have such a deep, unmasked relationship with the Lord that no matter what is done to me, no matter what circumstance, situation, tragedy, danger, you name it, I find myself in, I TRUST HIM?
This is HARRRD stuff. This is no ordinary mindset. But then again the Lord never created any of us to be ordinary. We were created to be FREE.
I have found myself lately realizing that I have NO IDEA how to trust the Lord. Especially, when it comes to emotions of the heart. How in the world can I change the way that I feel? How can I not be in fear? How can I change my heart in disappointment, in rejection, in pain? What about struggles that won’t seem to go away, or heartbreak that I can’t seem to get over, or those stupid circles that I am still running? Is it ok to feel this way? Am I not trusting God if I feel this way?
Sometimes, I find my answer in the definition. I have realized over the years that although words are spoken, I don’t usually have a full understanding of what they mean. “Trust- n. Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. v. Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of. Synonyms: confidence, belief, faith, certainty, assurance, conviction, credence, reliance, rely on, depend on, bank on, count on, be sure of….” And I’m sure it could keep going.
As I’m sitting here reading this, all I can think is THIS IS THE GOSPEL!!! This is the very foundation of life itself! I used to think I was good at this trusting stuff. When it comes to finances, when it comes to protection, I have mostly trusted God. But not out of relationship, more so because I had to. Because if I didn’t I would fall flat on my face. But is that even really trust at all?
I think most of the time, I’ve misinterpreted trust with “going with the flow.” Having no expectations at all. Just going with, “Well God’s got this.” Only because I had no other option. But I don’t think that that is what He’s calling me to with this. This is speaking of trusting God as a last resort kind of thing, not as THE FIRST!
I don’t know about you, but when I look at it like that, I find myself VERY humbled at the thought of how often I do this. It’s human nature to want to be in control of stuff, but that is also where we fall short. That is the very thing that needs to die within us. That is the very mindset that needs to change. The mindset that I only trust God when it’s out of MY control. Yea that sucker needs to die!
What if I did trust God as first resort not a last? How different would my life be? What does that even look like? I think it’s ok to have emotion. I think it’s ok to even doubt. Just as long that you bring it all to the feet of Jesus and work it out, and filter it through Him. Maybe that’s what trust really looks like.
When I woke up this morning, I felt like I was immediately met by mercy. What followed was the Lord keeping it simple. He said, “Just today, I want you to make a choice and choose to cling to Me in every single thing that you do. That’s it.”
I DO NOT have it figured out yet. I apologize if you were hoping that when you finally made it to the end of the forever long blog, that I would give you the answer. I don’t have it. The only thing that I have is a word, “love.” Trust is found in LOVE, itself. If it were an equation, I think that it would look like TRUST=LOVE.
On the way to lunch today, I was thinking about something I wrote in a past blog. It was this: “Fall in love with Jesus and find the courage to let Him love you back.” As I was talking this out with my friend, Ronda, at lunch, we came to the conclusion, that this statement isn’t exactly wrong. It’s just backwards. The truth is, we can only give back to God what He first gave us. We can’t love Him without first letting Him love us. So the statement is this:
Find the courage to LET JESUS LOVE YOU, then you will fall absolutely, head over heels, in love with Him back!
So today, I’m not gonna try and complicate it. I’m not gonna even beat myself up for actions or the way I feel, or put restrains on my emotions to make myself get it, or get in line with it. I’m just gonna come before Jesus with it all. All my worries, all my emotions, all my heartache, struggles, pain, disappointments, and all the things that I don’t know how to deal with or have answers on, and just lay them down. Today, I’m going to make a choice, and choose to cling to the Father. As I was just writing that line, I saw myself literally hiding behind the Father, clinging to His shirt, like a child would, when they are unsure of someone or something. This is a process. It’s not meant to get in a day. But I do believe that this is the road to true FREEDOM! This is the road to SURRENDER!!!
My friend, Kourtney, send the this quote the other day that I want to end with because I feel like it fits. You might have to think about how it fits, but I am confident the Lord will show you. It
was this: “Do not wait for courage, LOVE alone can move you to jump- and courage will meet you there.” -ShePaintsTruth
Love you guys!