Blog by Kristen Hicks
“I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of your my King. I’m giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights, I’m giving up my pride, for the promise of new life.
And I… I surrender… all to you, all to you.”
-“Surrender” by Lincoln Brewster
I remember this one night, when I was about 15 or 16 (I think) I was at this youth conference, and this guy brings out this coffin that he had built for himself. He said that he wanted a reminder that life was short and that he had been crucified with Christ and his life was no longer his own.
That night, I remember we sang this song, “Surrender.” I remember thinking how much I wanted Jesus—how much I wanted whatever He wanted for me, for my life. And for the first time in my life, I was willing to lay things down for it—I was willing to surrender. I meant every word of this simple song we were singing— my dreams, my rights, my pride, all of it, I would lay it down.
It’s really funny… maybe… that probably isn’t the right word. At least, that isn’t how it feels at the moment. However, it does feel like I’ve been pranked. So maybe someone, somewhere out there is laughing right now. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt all this before. It’s that moment that you realize you’re playing a game of chess, and all of a sudden, you have no moves. I’m terrible at chess.
Lost. Yes, that is it. That season when you can’t see a dang thing in front of you, in your future, nothing. It makes you feel like a failure, like you’ve missed something— a step, a season. Like you missed out on some big, grand opportunity. It makes you rethink all of the decisions you’ve made in life, if you should have taken that one job, gone to that school, should’ve taken that trip. Should you have listened to that person, or maybe you should have actually listened to that person, instead. Your mind is distracted by all the questions. Who is really right? Do I really hear from God? Do they really hear from God? How the heck did I get here? And where the heck is here? This feels like nowhere.
The thing that I do find funny about being in this place, is that as many times as I have been here, this one feels like the worst. How could I have possibly thought the others were anything like THIS? But then I realize, it’s probably just perspective.
“So what? Why am I here, again? What is it that You are wanting me to learn this time, Lord? Because this time, it really, really feels like I have no moves. This time it really, really feels like I’m stuck. This time it really, really feels like I’ve messed up, and completely failed. What the heck are we doing here? I’m trying my VERY best to still claim, that ‘You’re never gonna let me down’ but this, THIS is walking the line to falling flat on my face. And the crazy part is, I feel like I’ve trusted You.”
“I brought you here, to bring you back to surrender.” He said.
Surrender. No, I’m not even gonna look up the definition. It needs no explanation. No figuring out, praise God. It’s just simple. Although, I wouldn’t go as far as to say it is easy or that it doesn’t hurt.
A few pictures come to my mind as I ponder this. First, a white flag. That moment, that you realize you’ve been conquered in war. Wow… Makes you wonder who exactly you’ve been fighting against, doesn’t it? The second picture is this: jumping off something… a cliff, your bed, a diving board, like the 5th stair when you were a kid, one of those double decker docks you see at the lake. To some, this is nothing, no big deal. To others, this takes courage, bravery, guts. And finally, there is the stick-up. You’ve been caught, red-handed, and there is gun being pointed at you. Take your hands off of whatever you’re doing, hold them up high and make no sudden movements. So basically, my thoughts go to the Father saying, stop…just stop what you’re doing.
This has been quite a thought process—not one that I think is over. I keep thinking about the same things. The garden, the Father’s intention, the height from which we fell, and our first Love. It’s like Abba wants me to go back and remember why I jumped in the first place. He wants me to remember what it felt like and what it meant to give Him everything, and to realize that maybe I only trust Him with things I can figure out and control, which actually isn’t trust at all. He wants me to remember what it was like to have courage, bravery and guts to just jump into His arms, into His grace, His love. He wants me to me to remember what it was like to be conquered, and realize that it’s actually a really good thing. Something so good, that David danced naked in the streets about it.
So why would Abba need to bring me “back” to surrender? Maybe because I’ve tried to “beat” myself into obedience and submission? Maybe because once again, I need to see and realize that I’ve made it about myself on some level? Maybe so that He can position me to experience what only HE can do, to set me up for a miracle? Maybe all of the above…
I want to remember. I want to surrender. I want to just let go of having to understand, of having to figure it out. I want to let go of having to have all the answers. I want to remember the simplicity of meeting Jesus, of letting Him have all of me, of holding nothing, absolutely nothing back from Him. Seeing Him in everything, not for my names sake but for His. Only His. And that this is what it really means to live this short life to the fullest, being crucified with Him.
Just simply surrendering.
Speaking of songs…I’ve listened to this spontaneous one a whole lot lately, because if there were a song to dance naked in the streets over being conquered, this would be it! Enjoy!