Blog by Kristen Hicks
One morning, last week, as I was laying in bed, talking to Holy Spirit about random stuff, I asked Him what He wanted my next blog to be about.
“Loneliness” was what He immediately said.
“Uhh… can we not?” I protested, all of a sudden feeling very vulnerable of even the thought of writing about this particular subject.
Well I guess, here we go then. I’ve kinda learned the hard way that when you ask the Lord for a direction and He gives it to you, and then you don’t go that way, you end up losing something; or you end up going a really long, roundabout way, only to end up in the same place. (Good times.)
This has taken me a few days. This is touchy…unsettling…one of those subjects that I feel like when I finally get up the nerve to publish this, I might, also then have to get up the courage to look you in the eyes afterwards. Because some of you out there that don’t struggle with this subject, usually resort to the pity face. Some might even hop right on into “fix it” mode. And though, I understand your heart, neither of these sound like anything I look forward to. No offense.
Today, I noticed something that I have never noticed in my entire life. The trees are in the process of changing color. Don’t misunderstand me, of course, I see when the trees change color; but usually, it feels like I just wake up one day and they have all changed at once. When that happens I usually, sit back and marvel at how fast they were able to do that. But then I think, was it fast? Or have I just not been paying attention?
Not today… today, I noticed.
Today I noticed, that there seemed to be something different in the air, something new, something fresh, and it wasn’t just in the temperature drop. There is a new beauty that is being stirred up, an anticipation that is being awakened. Color. Have you ever looked up the definition to that word?
Color: (n) “the property possessed by an object of producing different sensations on the eye as a result of the way the object reflects or emits light.”
Interesting don’t you think? It’s all about the light. And for reasons that I am in the process of figuring out, right now, in this moment, noticing this whole encounter for the first time, made me think of the “loneliness” that Holy Spirit wanted me to write about.
Yes, I’m stalling. Because I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t really want to tell you that there are times I go home and wonder if anyone actually “saw” me in that day. Or how nice it would be to feel affection, of any kind, to be loved on, cared for, wanted. I don’t really want to tell you that I struggle with my worth, with my identity, my place in culture, society, purpose, just life in general. And I really, really don’t want to tell you that this independent, fearless, slay everything in worship, go everywhere, and do everything and don’t need a man to do any of it front that you see, is just that… a front.
On the inside, I’m terrified. But not necessarily in the way you might think. I’m not afraid of going somewhere by myself, and getting kidnapped or murdered. I’m not afraid to take risks, especially when I know that Abba is the one leading the way in them. I’m not really afraid of failure or to be knocked down off of a pedestal that others put me on. I’ve already been there and back again on that road.
I am afraid, however, of being selfish in my desires. I’m afraid of being impatient, of losing hope. I’m afraid of being disappointed. I’m afraid of getting hurt…again. But I am most afraid of doing life alone.
Yes, I realize that I am never alone. Holy Spirit is always with me. And trust me when I say, I feel like right now, I’m learning more than I ever have, how to actually not just lean into Him, but lean ON Him. But I also believe that if you think about His heart, His original intention, in the garden, He wanted to be in family, with and through us.
He wanted us to join His family, and us allow Him to join ours.
And that is also something I’ve never noticed until today. I read over that story too quickly. Or I focus more on the fall, rather than the height from which we fell. The original intention. The heart of God. And so I realize, again, that even the fall didn’t stop this intention. No, the Almighty God would have His way. He sent LIGHT Himself into the world and called Him Emmanuel, God with us. That is quite a color change don’t you think? It happened so fast most people didn’t even realize it. But when they did they sat back and marveled.
Then He decided to one-up Himself and decided to gift the Holy Spirit so that FAMILY would never be separated again. So that is original intention could be lived out in and through His people and He would always be with and among them.
I don’t have the full answer on loneliness, yet. I don’t think I was supposed to. I think Holy Spirit just wanted to say, “Hey, look, the trees are beginning to change color.” Which means the season is shifting, I’m in the process—and to focus on enjoying and embracing it, rather than understanding. I think He wants me to look AT Him, because when I do, the color changes and I don’t feel as lonely anymore. So be encouraged, lift up your head up, make sure your eyes are opened up wide, and get ready. Get ready to see the LIGHT Himself change the color in your life.