Blog by Kristen Hicks
I woke up this morning with a heaviness on me. Have you ever woken up and felt that? Ugh it’s terrible. I started crying out to the Lord,”What is this? Can you please help me understand? Can you please show me what to do? Show me how to get out of this once and for all?”
I was finding myself in the middle of a circle that was far too familiar. Do you have one? A circle? I’m pretty sure we all do in one way or another or at least we have all experienced one at some point in our life. An attitude that we can’t seem to get under control, an addiction we can’t seem to give up, a habit that we just can’t seem to break, you know what I’m talking about, you can fill in the blank. Just a vicious cycle.
And then there’s the lies that comes with them. The enemy isn’t going to miss an opportunity to make you feel worse, no way! “You’re never going to overcome! People don’t know who you really are? You’re a hypocrite, a fake! This is who you are! This is all you’re ever going to be! God doesn’t love you! He can’t stand the sight of you! You’re just a disappointment to Him!” Blah, blah… blah, blah, blah…. And then you suddenly find yourself believing them. Because the truth is, you haven’t “truly” overcome them yet or at least that’s what your actions seem to say. Some people don’t know. What if they did? Would they consider you a hypocrite or a fake? And suddenly you find yourself in agreement with the lies, and that only lands you in a deeper mess than you were before. Can anyone out there relate?
So here I am, laying in bed this morning and this is the situation I am finding myself in. When I cried out to the Lord, all I really heard Him say was, “Go on a walk today”. So I got up get ready and headed over to my dad’s to get a little work done.
On my way there, I again hear the sweet, soft whisper of the Lord’s voice. “Kristen, you are in a wilderness season. The thing you need to know about this season is that it’s meant for you to wrestle with Me and overcome the enemy.” (He actually said it a little different, with a little more detail, but it’s a little more personal, so this is a paraphrase.) He also said that I was going to look back on this season one day, and it was going to be one of my favorites. Tears started to fill my eyes as I thought about Jesus in the wilderness. I have heard so many people teach on that passage lately, but I had not yet put it all together.
So after I worked a little at Dad’s, met him and Tina for lunch, met a friend for coffee, I then headed over to Hobbs to take my walk. I had this song echoing in my mind. It was “Open Space” by Housefires (Look it up).
Here’s the funny thing about a good walk. It helps you get somewhere. Shocker, I know. Not just physically, but mentally. It allows your brain to process and breathe, and gain a new perspective.
So here is where I was on my walk….
I have a million questions! Like seriously, I don’t know what the HECK in going on in my life at the moment or what the Lord is doing. That seems dramatic, it’s not really, but it feels so far out my control that it’s scary, but I know it’s good. It feels like nothing is making sense and yet everything is making since all at the same time. I keep feeling like at any moment, I am going to completely fall on my face or find out that I’ve been wrong this entire time about everything. I feel like I’m never going to truly overcome certain things or be set completely free.
Are you now seeing where the heaviness might be coming from?
BUT……. (And there is the game changer word)
The place I ended up today was this…
God wants me to wrestle with HIM, not with the enemy. He wants me to ask my million questions. I just have to be ok with the fact that He might not answer all of them. He wants me to dig deep, get messy, uncomfortable, while He examines every single area within me. He wants to shine His light on the dark corners. He wants me to let Him prune my branches, examine the fruit. He wants to wrestle with my theology, my mindset, my attitude, my heart, my motives, my life in general. He wants to point out ways that I unknowingly agree with the enemy and pull me into “AGREEMENT WITH A GREATER SONG.” (That will preach guys…Melissa Helser.)
Something flew out of my mouth to a friend of mine today. Something I had never thought of but as I walked the Lord really allowed me to understand it. It was this:
The Lord wants us to wrestle with Him not so He can cripple us with a limp!!! He wants us to wrestle with Him so that we come out knowing how to LEAN… ON HIM!!!!!! So that we come out knowing how to lean while we walk!!! Isn’t that AWESOME!?!?!
The story of Jacob wrestling with the Lord has never made sense to me until now. Imagine that, God’s beloved, Israel! Wrestling with God and coming out with a limp! That is so incredibly powerful and beautiful!!
So here I am, in the most important sporting event of my life! Wrestling with Jesus, to the point that when I come out of this wilderness, I will truly be set free from the endless circles. I will know how to overcome the lies and traps of the enemy. But not with my own understanding or cleverness, not with my own strength, not even with my own man-made weapons of rules. This is the greater song that I am coming into agreement with!!! This is how He meant it all along!!! The song of His Word!!! The song of His Heart!!! I WILL overcome by “taking a walk” out onto the battle field with the limp of leaning on the Overcomer Himself!!!!