Surrender…

Chess king surrender

Blog by Kristen Hicks

“I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of your my King. I’m giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights, I’m giving up my pride, for the promise of new life. 

And I… I surrender… all to you, all to you.”

-“Surrender” by Lincoln Brewster

I remember this one night, when I was about 15 or 16 (I think) I was at this youth conference, and this guy brings out this coffin that he had built for himself. He said that he wanted a reminder that life was short and that he had been crucified with Christ and his life was no longer his own.

That night, I remember we sang this song, “Surrender.” I remember thinking how much I wanted Jesus—how much I wanted whatever He wanted for me, for my life. And for the first time in my life, I was willing to lay things down for it—I was willing to surrender. I meant every word of this simple song we were singing— my dreams, my rights, my pride, all of it, I would lay it down.

 

It’s really funny… maybe… that probably isn’t the right word. At least, that isn’t how it feels at the moment. However, it does feel like I’ve been pranked. So maybe someone, somewhere out there is laughing right now. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt all this before. It’s that moment that you realize you’re playing a game of chess, and all of a sudden, you have no moves. I’m terrible at chess.

Lost. Yes, that is it. That season when you can’t see a dang thing in front of you, in your future, nothing. It makes you feel like a failure, like you’ve missed something— a step, a season. Like you missed out on some big, grand opportunity. It makes you rethink all of the decisions you’ve made in life, if you should have taken that one job, gone to that school, should’ve taken that trip. Should you have listened to that person, or maybe you should have actually listened to that person, instead. Your mind is distracted by all the questions. Who is really right? Do I really hear from God? Do they really hear from God? How the heck did I get here? And where the heck is here? This feels like nowhere.

The thing that I do find funny about being in this place, is that as many times as I have been here, this one feels like the worst. How could I have possibly thought the others were anything like THIS? But then I realize, it’s probably just perspective.

“So what? Why am I here, again? What is it that You are wanting me to learn this time, Lord? Because this time, it really, really feels like I have no moves. This time it really, really feels like I’m stuck. This time it really, really feels like I’ve messed up, and completely failed. What the heck are we doing here? I’m trying my VERY best to still claim, that ‘You’re never gonna let me down’ but this, THIS is walking the line to falling flat on my face. And the crazy part is, I feel like I’ve trusted You.”

“I brought you here, to bring you back to surrender.” He said.

Surrender. No, I’m not even gonna look up the definition. It needs no explanation. No figuring out, praise God. It’s just simple. Although, I wouldn’t go as far as to say it is easy or that it doesn’t hurt.

A few pictures come to my mind as I ponder this. First, a white flag. That moment, that you realize you’ve been conquered in war. Wow… Makes you wonder who exactly you’ve been fighting against, doesn’t it? The second picture is this: jumping off something… a cliff, your bed, a diving board, like the 5th stair when you were a kid, one of those double decker docks you see at the lake. To some, this is nothing, no big deal. To others, this takes courage, bravery, guts. And finally, there is the stick-up. You’ve been caught, red-handed, and there is gun being pointed at you. Take your hands off of whatever you’re doing, hold them up high and make no sudden movements. So basically, my thoughts go to the Father saying, stop…just stop what you’re doing.

This has been quite a thought process—not one that I think is over. I keep thinking about the same things. The garden, the Father’s intention, the height from which we fell, and our first Love. It’s like Abba wants me to go back and remember why I jumped in the first place. He wants me to remember what it felt like and what it meant to give Him everything, and to realize that maybe I only trust Him with things I can figure out and control, which actually isn’t trust at all. He wants me to remember what it was like to have courage, bravery and guts to just jump into His arms, into His grace, His love. He wants me to me to remember what it was like to be conquered, and realize that it’s actually a really good thing. Something so good, that David danced naked in the streets about it.

So why would Abba need to bring me “back” to surrender? Maybe because I’ve tried to “beat” myself into obedience and submission? Maybe because once again, I need to see and realize that I’ve made it about myself on some level? Maybe so that He can position me to experience what only HE can do, to set me up for a miracle? Maybe all of the above…

I want to remember. I want to surrender. I want to just let go of having to understand, of having to figure it out. I want to let go of having to have all the answers. I want to remember the simplicity of meeting Jesus, of letting Him have all of me, of holding nothing, absolutely nothing back from Him. Seeing Him in everything, not for my names sake but for His. Only His. And that this is what it really means to live this short life to the fullest, being crucified with Him.

Just simply surrendering.

Speaking of songs…I’ve listened to this spontaneous one a whole lot lately, because if there were a song to dance naked in the streets over being conquered, this would be it! Enjoy!

Color Change

Colors of Fall

Blog by Kristen Hicks

One morning, last week, as I was laying in bed, talking to Holy Spirit about random stuff, I asked Him what He wanted my next blog to be about.

“Loneliness” was what He immediately said.

“Uhh… can we not?” I protested, all of a sudden feeling very vulnerable of even the thought of writing about this particular subject.

Nothing.

Well I guess, here we go then. I’ve kinda learned the hard way that when you ask the Lord for a direction and He gives it to you, and then you don’t go that way, you end up losing something; or you end up going a really long, roundabout way, only to end up in the same place. (Good times.)

This has taken me a few days. This is touchy…unsettling…one of those subjects that I feel like when I finally get up the nerve to publish this, I might, also then have to get up the courage to look you in the eyes afterwards. Because some of you out there that don’t struggle with this subject, usually resort to the pity face. Some might even hop right on into “fix it” mode. And though, I understand your heart, neither of these sound like anything I look forward to. No offense.

Today, I noticed something that I have never noticed in my entire life. The trees are in the process of changing color. Don’t misunderstand me, of course, I see when the trees change color; but usually, it feels like I just wake up one day and they have all changed at once. When that happens I usually, sit back and marvel at how fast they were able to do that. But then I think, was it fast? Or have I just not been paying attention?

Not today… today, I noticed.

Today I noticed, that there seemed to be something different in the air, something new, something fresh, and it wasn’t just in the temperature drop. There is a new beauty that is being stirred up, an anticipation that is being awakened. Color. Have you ever looked up the definition to that word?

Color: (n) “the property possessed by an object of producing different sensations on the eye as a result of the way the object reflects or emits light.”

Interesting don’t you think? It’s all about the light. And for reasons that I am in the process of figuring out, right now, in this moment, noticing this whole encounter for the first time, made me think of the “loneliness” that Holy Spirit wanted me to write about.

Yes, I’m stalling. Because I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t really want to tell you that there are times I go home and wonder if anyone actually “saw” me in that day. Or how nice it would be to feel affection, of any kind, to be loved on, cared for, wanted. I don’t really want to tell you that I struggle with my worth, with my identity, my place in culture, society, purpose, just life in general. And I really, really don’t want to tell you that this independent, fearless, slay everything in worship, go everywhere, and do everything and don’t need a man to do any of it front that you see, is just that… a front.

On the inside, I’m terrified. But not necessarily in the way you might think. I’m not afraid of going somewhere by myself, and getting kidnapped or murdered. I’m not afraid to take risks, especially when I know that Abba is the one leading the way in them. I’m not really afraid of failure or to be knocked down off of a pedestal that others put me on. I’ve already been there and back again on that road.

I am afraid, however, of being selfish in my desires. I’m afraid of being impatient, of losing hope. I’m afraid of being disappointed. I’m afraid of getting hurt…again. But I am most afraid of doing life alone.

Yes, I realize that I am never alone. Holy Spirit is always with me. And trust me when I say, I feel like right now, I’m learning more than I ever have, how to actually not just lean into Him, but lean ON Him. But I also believe that if you think about His heart, His original intention, in the garden, He wanted to be in family, with and through us.

He wanted us to join His family, and us allow Him to join ours. 

And that is also something I’ve never noticed until today. I read over that story too quickly. Or I focus more on the fall, rather than the height from which we fell. The original intention. The heart of God. And so I realize, again, that even the fall didn’t stop this intention. No, the Almighty God would have His way. He sent LIGHT Himself into the world and called Him Emmanuel, God with us. That is quite a color change don’t you think? It happened so fast most people didn’t even realize it. But when they did they sat back and marveled.

Then He decided to one-up Himself and decided to gift the Holy Spirit so that FAMILY would never be separated again. So that is original intention could be lived out in and through His people and He would always be with and among them.

I don’t have the full answer on loneliness, yet. I don’t think I was supposed to. I think Holy Spirit just wanted to say, “Hey, look, the trees are beginning to change color.” Which means the season is shifting, I’m in the process—and to focus on enjoying and embracing it, rather than understanding. I think He wants me to look AT Him, because when I do, the color changes and I don’t feel as lonely anymore. So be encouraged, lift up your head up, make sure your eyes are opened up wide, and get ready. Get ready to see the LIGHT Himself change the color in your life.

The Greater Song

Depositphotos_5228339_s-2015

Blog by Kristen Hicks

I am mad….YES, mad! I am fired up! And I am NOT going to apologize for it!

There has been this theme, this lie, this piece of crap idea, running rampant lately. The thing that I’ve noticed is that it isn’t just in me either. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people even in the last week and they have all had this common thread running through them.

Anxiety.

Ugh!!! In my head, I am kicking the dirt, and mumbling frustrations, possibly hinted with implied cuss words under my breath, at even the thought of this word. I am sick of it!!!

Let me clarify, by saying, I am NOT sick of the people dealing with this. That is not who I am calling out. NOPE! I am declaring war on the enemy! Yep, you heard me, mr. satan, himself. It’s on dude!! I’ve had enough!!! It’s hurting too many people that I care about! This has gone too far! It’s gone so far, that I’ve literally heard some of these amazing people say, “This is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.”

NO!!!!! HECK NO!!!!!!

That lie is coming straight up from the PIT OF HELL itself!!!!!!!

This isn’t some midlife crisis, a season to embrace, and it sure as heck isn’t coming from The Father that loves us. It’s coming from the false father, the father of lies. I’ve said it before, fear isn’t something to get comfortable with. It isn’t something to embrace, it isn’t something that is protecting you. All the enemy does is steal, kill and destroy. You know this! So what this fear is doing, is it is stealing your inheritance, it is killing your joy, and it is destroying your heart, your life, your worth and your destiny!!! Do you hear me?!? Do you understand? Can you see this?

This is not the time to lay down and retreat. Because the enemy is vicious. HE HATES YOU! He is trying to take you out. Not just for a moment, not just for a season, but FOR GOOD!!!! He wants you isolated, he wants you depressed, he wants you laid over in the fetal position, so that he can kick you again and again and again. He wants you to feel helpless, to feel alone, to feel dirty, disgusted with yourself—with your life. He wants you stressed, busy, so busy that you have no time to even notice what’s going on, or what he is doing. Business that blinds, that distracts, that takes over everything in your life so you have no time to be reminded of the Father’s love. So that you have no time to even hear the Holy Spirit, calling you, drawing you, singing over you. No, the only song he wants you to hear is the song of noise, the song of hate, the song of bitterness, the song of defeat. Over and over and over, this is what you hear, until finally one day, you begin to sing along with it. You come into agreement with it. You begin to believe it. To believe that it’s the only song out there, and therefore, it must be the truth.

This, THIS my sweet friends, is only a fraction of what we are up against. Here is the thing, what I just wrote about, is from my own experience, not someone else’s. Although, I am very much aware that the enemy has no original material. Therefore, you might be thinking, I am talking about you. Once again, we have found ourselves in only another deadly trap of comparison, of twisting, of envy, of self-centeredness. And the thought might have crossed your mind that I am “judging” you with this post. No…stop…just stop…

Stop, singing along to the song that that is literally killing you, as well as poisoning everyone around you. Stop, coming into agreement with the lie, that who you are right here, right now in this moment, is who you are going to be for the rest of your life. Stop, believing that where you are right here, right now, in this moment is where you are going to be for the rest of your life. Stop, buying into this culture that says that in order to be the “best you,” means that you have to be better than someone else. Stop, labeling people as the enemy and let the fire of the Holy Spirit burn within you against the true enemy.

COME INTO AGREEMENT WITH THE GREATER SONG!!!! 

This is the song that sing out one thing and one thing only. HOPE. Hope that at the end of the day, no matter what has been thrown at us, that we can stand firm in the TRUTH, that we are Sons and Daughters of the MOST HIGH GOD! Hope that sings out the song of a SAVIOR, JESUS, who NOT ONLY took our sin upon Himself and paid the price for it but also, stays WITH us throughout our own struggles, our own screw ups, and teaches us in the midst of the process. Hope that goes so freaking far beyond our own understanding, that it gives us the courage to even dream again. It gives us the courage to believe that we are made for more and that we have a destiny and a purpose. Hope sings of a Father that truly does love us more than we could ever understand. It sings of a friend that we have in the Holy Spirit, that was given as a gift to swallow up loneliness once and for all. This song is one of redemption, one of peace, one of power. It has the power to heal, ACTUALLY HEAL! It has the power to not just change your circumstance or situation, but it can actually change your perspective. It will wreck your heart and at the exact same time be putting it back together, the way it was meant to be. Hope sings of LOVE. Period. Do you hear me?!? Do you understand? Can you see this?

You can say no, to the lies! You can say no, to the exhausting banter within your mind that constantly tells you that you aren’t good enough. You can turn off the noise of the song of bitterness and defeat. This is YOUR life! Take it back from the enemy, and let the strength of the God who fights FOR YOU rise up within you as you choose to surrender to and worship HIM! You can choose to stand firm on the Word, choose to not just believe IN Jesus, but to actually, BELIEVE HIM!!! TRUST HIM!!!!! Find your HOPE IN HIM!!! Know that His grace is sufficient, no matter how many times you mess up! And come into agreement with THE GREATER SONG!!!! JESUS!!! OUR TRUE HOPE!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8ni1DaRZbEhttp://

#DeeplyRooted

Trapped Concept

Blog by Kristen Hicks

Last week, I finally decided to use a gift certificate, my friend Kourtney had given me for my birthday, to get a massage. I called and made the appointment the week before, and I strategically made it for the Tuesday after Labor Day, so that I would have something to look forward to upon coming back from the mountains.

As usual, when I called the woman on the phone gave me the name of the person that would be giving me the massage: Amanda.

All of a sudden, my heart was full of encouragement with this information. Why? You might ask. Because during one really hard, ugly, terrible season in my life this name kept coming up. Over and over again; Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda on a Coke bottle, “Hey, I’m Amanda”, “this is my friend Amanda”…just again and again. Finally, one day I decided to look up what the name Amanda actually meant.

I was stunned, and overwhelmingly in awe at the fact that the meaning of this name would speak so fiercely against everything that I was going through in this particular season of my life. Everything the enemy was throwing at me, and dragging me through. Every lie that was being spoken to me (in the spirit and in the natural), every really bad situation I found myself in, the Father instead was speaking this name to me: Amanda…“Worthy of Love”

It’s humbling to me that the Father goes to such great lengths to speak to us. He knows how we humans can be so unsettled in our back and forth thinking. So He reminds us. And at times He has to do something drastic to get our attention.

Last Tuesday, when I got my massage was nothing less than simply a reminder. Going in, I thought it would be this gentle, relaxing, no stress kind of massage. Instead, it ended up being this painful, deep-tissue, get all the knots out kind of massage.

About a forth of the way into it, I started praying. Not because, I was trying to over-analyze this situation, but because I was in pain and I was praying for the grace to endure. HA!

What ended up happening, however, was the Lord began to remind me of a vision He had given me a couple years ago. The vision was His hands. He was holding me in the left hand, then He switched me to His right hand, then He put both of His hands together and pulled me into His heart.

He began to speak to me about this vision and how it paralleled with this massage I was enduring at that moment. I already knew what both hands represented. They both represented two major seasons in my life. I can tell you down to the day when He switched me to the other hand. However, realizing that I was now in the season of Him putting both of His hands together… that one was a little harder to recognize. And once I did, I found myself smack dab in the middle of nowhere; at least that’s how it seemed.

The wilderness. And if you’ve read any of my blogs lately, you already know this. The thing I wasn’t prepared for with this season was the pain. Are you now starting to see the parallel?

The thing that the Lord has said over and over and over about this season, is that I am to wrestle with Him. And I am understanding that this wrestling is getting ALL the knots out. It’s the refining fire, that gets out all the impurities. Basically, in this process of Him putting both of His hands together— which is essentially, the fullness of who He is, the fullness of His Love—He has to get out all the mess, all the the things that I picked up in both seasons of my life that aren’t true. That aren’t pure. That are not a part of who He is.

As I continued grudging through this massage— telling myself that the pain was worth it, that it was doing something, and that it was gonna get me somewhere—the Lord spoke so sweetly to me. He said, “The key to all of it, is to KNOW that you are ‘Worthy of Love.’ You are worthy of MY LOVE.”

I found that when I resisted to Amanda, as she worked to get the knots out of my back, as I tensed up, it hurt way worse. But if I yielded to the process, it didn’t hurt as bad, and the knots seemed to come out quicker. 

I know that I’ve complained about this season, good grief, so much already. I know, I’ve felt lost and confused, and found myself extremely frustrated with people (myself included), circumstances, and just the season itself. But today, I realized, I don’t want to complain anymore. It’s not getting me anywhere. If anything it’s making the pain worse. I keep trying to talk to someone, anyone who will listen, hoping that they can give the right answer. But coming out of those conversations, I find that they are my way of resisting and tensing up in this process. They are stirring up the pain and confusion.

I was briefly talking to a friend of mine today about worship, and I told him how much I just love to be wrecked. He responded with this, not having a clue with any of this going on in my heart: “I like to be wrecked, but definitely like to be put back together.” I needed to hear that even more than he knew, and in a completely different context than what he knew we were talking about.

I think when I am in a season that is uncomfortable, and painful, and I feel lost. I think it’s super easy to forget that it’s only just a season. Like the Israelites wandering through the desert. The Word is clear, they prolonged it. I think it’s easier to just complain, to doubt, to wander off, hoping that there’s maybe something else out there that can ease the tension. I think it’s easy to forget the worth of God, and who He is. Likewise, I think it is also, very easy to forget my own worth to Him and how much He loves me. And I think He tends to like to remind me of all this in the very moments that the enemy is throwing everything he’s got at me.

I forget that He is in the process. And that while being wrecked by Him can remind me of who He is, He is more concerned with putting me back together, to remind me of who I am, and that I am worth something to Him. I am worthy of Love. 

So today, I am beginning a new season, or rather embracing the one I’m already in. I’m gonna call it #DeeplyRooted. This is based on Ephesians 3:17-19 (NASB):

“That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the Love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.”

So, as I allow the “Invincible Summer” to live on within me, I hope to find myself, “Deeply Rooted” in life, in soul, in body, in mind, and in heart, to Jesus Christ, Himself. And I hope that I encourage you in the same way. So that we may know, and I do mean really, REALLY KNOW…LOVE.

Fear Doesn’t Lead To Freedom

Bird cage silhouette

Blog by Kristen Hicks

There has been a common theme that has been weaving its way in and out of my last couple weeks. Do you have words in your life that the thought of them makes you want to panic, rebel, or throw up a little in your mouth when you say them or hear them? (Sorry, I know that’s gross.) I have to concentrate on breathing when I think about these words. They are: success, routines, habits, systems, really anything that has to do with business, or money, you get the idea. Seriously, even in this moment I am trying not to freak out while typing them. Good grief Kristen, pull yourself together!!

A couple weeks ago, I was talking about these very things with my friend, Kayla. We agreed that routines, setting goals, and accomplishing them were a little bit of a struggle for both of us. For example, eating healthy, working out, you know, the typical stuff. I might be able to muster up some will power for about a week or so but as soon as I am faced with opposition, I quit. However, the opposition might look a little bit different than you might think.

I’m really more of the dreamer type. You know this, I already talked about my “Big Dream Notebook” (BLESS). I like to dream up things that are far beyond my capability. The more impossible, the more irrational, the more crazy, off-the-wall, get your hands dirty… the better!

As Kayla and I continued to talk about routines, or lack there of, I started to really examine and ask myself why I always feel the need to rebel against these things. It’s almost like when it comes to any of these words, the inner me, all of sudden, takes over in an attempt to self-sabotage. Do you see the opposition now? It’s me! My inner person! I rebel, not because I hate healthy food, I actually like most of it. I don’t rebel because I’m lazy, I actually love activity, playing sports, hiking, kayaking, pretty much anything outdoors or anything that has a sense of playing. I rebel because it involves a routine.

What I realized was that when I was growing up, I would see people have these habits, these set ways, and things always had to be done in that certain way. Like in the morning and at night, they had these routines that they did the same way, every single day. Now hear me out. I’m not saying that personal hygiene isn’t good. HA! And I’m not saying that these people that I saw having these certain routines were wrong by having them. Please don’t think that is what I am saying. Let me keep going.

Ok so I would see these things, and for me I dreamed of traveling all over the world, doing who knows what, and I never wanted to find myself so stuck in a routine that it would be hard for me to do what I wanted to do or to adjust to what to I needed to do for whatever situation I found myself in. For example, I wanted to get used to sleeping in my contacts. Because if I was camping somewhere in a slum and the only thing that I had to wash my hands was hand sanitizer, which would hurt like mess, then I wanted to be comfortable enough to “go with the flow” and sleep in my contacts. Makes sense? (Caution: You are entering into the dangerous territory of Kristen’s mind, be on guard.)

This has always been my mentality. Pretty sure it’s a soul wound to some extent. Because the root of it is fear. Fear of not being who I was made to be? Fear of being in fear? Fear of being stuck? Ooo that’s a hard one for me. I’ve always had that fear. Doing the same thing ever single day for the rest of my life. Back to the circles. I guess that’s what I equate routines with… circles, being stuck.

Ding, Ding, Ding! I think we have a winner. And in case you were wondering, yes, I am figuring this out as I’m writing at this moment.

Fear. Ugh I hate fear. I know that may seem like a duh kinda thing thing but I truly think some people like having it around. To some extent, they feel it gives them a sense of safety and security, some even mistake it for wisdom. That sounds so completely backwards to me. Because fear is NOT our friend. Fear does NOT keep us safe. God does!!! Fear is a lie. An eloquent, get all gussied up for a night on the town kinda lie. Meaning, it looks real good. (Not that getting all dressed up and going out is bad.) The enemy loves, I mean, LOVES for people to be in fear. Because fear keeps people from being and becoming who they were created to be. FREE.

I am learning in this moment, that I have mistaken fear for freedom when it comes to this particular subject. I have let the fear of being stuck and being pulled into particular circles keep me from just trusting the Lord and letting Him guard and guide my steps. I mistakenly, and subconsciously let fear try and drive me to freedom. Instead of allowing trust and surrender to Jesus be the driver to freedom.

I realize that this is kinda a roundabout way to get to this conclusion. It’s crazy how my brain works sometimes. But the funny thing is, the conclusion is actually the same as all the other conclusions the Lord has been bringing me to lately.

Trusting Jesus. Surrendering to Him. Needing Him. Letting Him love me. Just falling in love with Him for Him.

So I’m gonna trust Him, and let Him shift my mindset. I’m gonna lay down this fear of being stuck, and know that He knows me and loves me and the truth is, He doesn’t want me to be stuck in circles either. And know that even if He asks me to do something constantly for a season, there is a reason, there is something He wants me to learn, something He wants to open my eyes to. And I can’t do that if my inner man is constantly rebelling. Heck, He might even want to put me into a routine for a season, just to overcome this crazy fear. I know that His heart and His goal to set me completely FREE from ALL fear!!! And I’m pretty sure that anyone would chalk that up to be a complete and total success!

Stop Squirming

Blog by Kristen Hicks

I’ve had to make a pretty big decision lately. One that required quite a bit of wrestling. And I knew that in making this decision there would, without doubt, be repercussions.

Fear has been one of those repercussions. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what people will think. Fear that I made the wrong decision, even though I know I made the right one.

I’m not exactly sure where to go from here. I see myself in this open space. It’s like a field that I want to run in, do cart-wheels, roll around in the dirt, just be reconnected. However, my mind has went into overload about how to do this. Trying to figure it out. But then, I think what He is showing me tonight is that that is precisely the thing He doesn’t want me to do. Figure it out.

I don’t know what to do about this. It freaks me out. Because I know I have some walls. Or I at least know I have one big one, though I’m not exactly sure what it is. I just know it’s there. Even now, I’ve been making plans, composing mental lists about how in the world I can get this wall to come down. I need to read this book, and this book and this book, all at the same time. I need to go on a really long prayer walk. I need to write, to write out all my feelings, to write out everything. I need to dig into the Word for like an hour. I need to just sing. Maybe even write a song about all this.” The list could go on. However, what the Lord is showing me is that all of those plans and lists are all based on things I do.

But in this moment, I keep hearing one thing. “Just sit down. Just stop. Just be still. Just receive. Stop squirming.”

Sometimes, I am so completely broken and humbled by how much I don’t know the Lord. How much I don’t understand His ways. How much I don’t get it. Not Him, not His love, not His intentions. But then I am also humbled, by how much I need Him, how much I want Him.

I feel so helpless already in this season I’ve just stepped into. But I feel like that is a really, really good thing. Because it brings me back to surrender. Back to the things I did at first. Back to just simply needing Jesus.

Once again, the Father reminds me of a child. I see myself as this little kid, that is terrified. That is broken, and hurt, and confused, and has no idea what the heck is going on. And I am squirming big time. I have no idea how to receive anything. Love, affection, gifts, none of it. I am constantly trying to figure out everything, trying to understand, trying to piece it all together. Every time the Lord starts to pour Himself out, I feel uncomfortable, like Peter when Jesus was trying to wash His feet. “This is not how this should look.” I tell Him as I twist and turn in His lap. And in the most gentle, yet reassuring kind of way, I feel Him pull me closer. Closer to His heart. Closer to His breath. So I can hear His heart, so I can feel Him. And He just holds me so tightly, until I just stop. I stop squirming.

This…. This is what I have always longed for. This is what I’ve needed. This is what I was made for. This is where He breaks the walls down. This has nothing to do with what I can do. It has to do with what He can do. I can’t make myself understand or get it. I simply just have to wait on Him. He isn’t going to give me all the answers. Not because He enjoys withholding from me. But because He is a good Father. One that sees my heart and knows what I can and cannot handle. And sometimes you just have to sit there any let the Creator of the universe, wash your, dirty, stinky, smelling feet. You have to sit there and know that it’s ok to not understand, to not get it. You have to sit there and just receive from Him. Let Him hold you. Let Him whisper in your ear, the Truth of who He is, and who you are, and what you mean to Him. Let Him just be close. Embrace the warmth, the security, the sound of His heart. 

I have found myself listening to this song (above) on repeat. It’s just simple. But I feel like it’s the song of my heart right now. The song of this season.

Soo…

Just sit down. Just stop. Just be still. Just receive. And.. stop squirming.